Missing the absence

I have been here in the states for more than three years now (if you ask my dad he would tell you the exact number of days). I had somehow felt a strange sense of deja vu when I came here, it was as if I had walked on the streets before, seeing strange people with of various colors ( not just skin color) walk by me and say things in the hope of exchanging pleasantries didn't seem strange at all. I know the source of that, after all I knew since I was about 13 yrs old that I would do a PhD in biology in the US. ( At least, I knew what I wanted when I was 13, I must be a specimen of reverse metamorphosis). And that, from the kid I used to be who refused to acknowledge adults ( friends of my mom's) on the street like other well- mannered kids would. Though, I should say that the exchanges of pleasantries with people here, was rather one sided, I merely smiled then and now I smile and nod.
Everyone here wants to know everyone else at some level or atleast wants to announce there own presence, while I have always wanted to be a part of the wood-work or concrete or whichever object that blends in with the surroundings. Though, wanting something rarely precedes getting it and unfortunately I have always attracted attention and usually of the wrong kind.
Except here, where I think I would have been the least conspicuous person had I not been an "Indian girl" (no, she is not mexican) . But I am okay with that, as long as people announce their presence and other than the nod don't really expect anything more. Or am I?
Well, scientifically I am certainly not okay with not knowing enough people. It used to be much easier in India, just walk out of your lab and you have the option of talking to anyone from any field you like. Not that there aren't people here, or that there isn't variety ( which I already mentioned exists). After all, its a famous university full of brilliant people (I am sure). But I don't know any of them. In fact, I might not even know most of their names, let alone know them personally. So I have like three people I can talk about my work, unless you count the other three I talk long distance with. But what can you do if you are reserved, can't drink coffee or beer. Where in my last institute I just had friends who had been with me since college and I was in a big lab and a big department so I had never needed to find a reason, place and time to talk about work.
But as far as the anonymity being here provides me, I haven't been able to decide whether I absolutely like it or not. I don't dislike it. But for some times..

Sometimes I wish I could hear my favorite song being played inside shops or you know how that right song, coming from the neighbors' windows can cheer you up unexpectedly. When I hear a familiar language (Hindi or Bengali) being spoken somewhere around me, my ears sort of get entrained towards it and I strain to catch a few words. This, when I used to block out all conversations, including the ones I was supposed to be involved in.

I still have some time to decide what I want for a future (since I haven't decided yet it must mean I have time). And that would include in which continent, should I get the luxury to get picky, I would like to live for the next ten years or for the rest of my life. The longing to belong somewhere or to be where you belong is, surprisingly, overpowering my focus on science. I hadn't anticipated that. I have always been able to put work before everything (even then, the status of my PhD is laughable) and technically the genetic system that I want to work in, is nearly impossible to maintain and run in India, we are still more than a decade behind and will probably continue to lag for some time. I would like to think that I could actually take that a step ahead. But I am not very confident of being able to be that "leader". My one hope is to get that confidence and then it would be a straightforward choice. I may not actually miss the convenience of getting everything I need in a day, and OMG if its really late and too expensive it will have to be six weeks. Compare that to the once in a couple of years that we used to order from Sigma, from literally the richest lab of the time, at IISc, Bangalore. We will have to see. Maybe I will be a scientific writer and get to bring minds together and connect things, which by far interests me more than even complex genetic diseases. That would be ideal, who wants to run a lab?

All these disjointed thoughts and I know it is about something that's missing.. I think I was better without these thoughts, then I could focus on the work at hand and take it a step at a time. Not worry about things way beyond my control. Where did this confusion come from? I want it to go.. find someone else. I was much better without it.