Missing the absence

I have been here in the states for more than three years now (if you ask my dad he would tell you the exact number of days). I had somehow felt a strange sense of deja vu when I came here, it was as if I had walked on the streets before, seeing strange people with of various colors ( not just skin color) walk by me and say things in the hope of exchanging pleasantries didn't seem strange at all. I know the source of that, after all I knew since I was about 13 yrs old that I would do a PhD in biology in the US. ( At least, I knew what I wanted when I was 13, I must be a specimen of reverse metamorphosis). And that, from the kid I used to be who refused to acknowledge adults ( friends of my mom's) on the street like other well- mannered kids would. Though, I should say that the exchanges of pleasantries with people here, was rather one sided, I merely smiled then and now I smile and nod.
Everyone here wants to know everyone else at some level or atleast wants to announce there own presence, while I have always wanted to be a part of the wood-work or concrete or whichever object that blends in with the surroundings. Though, wanting something rarely precedes getting it and unfortunately I have always attracted attention and usually of the wrong kind.
Except here, where I think I would have been the least conspicuous person had I not been an "Indian girl" (no, she is not mexican) . But I am okay with that, as long as people announce their presence and other than the nod don't really expect anything more. Or am I?
Well, scientifically I am certainly not okay with not knowing enough people. It used to be much easier in India, just walk out of your lab and you have the option of talking to anyone from any field you like. Not that there aren't people here, or that there isn't variety ( which I already mentioned exists). After all, its a famous university full of brilliant people (I am sure). But I don't know any of them. In fact, I might not even know most of their names, let alone know them personally. So I have like three people I can talk about my work, unless you count the other three I talk long distance with. But what can you do if you are reserved, can't drink coffee or beer. Where in my last institute I just had friends who had been with me since college and I was in a big lab and a big department so I had never needed to find a reason, place and time to talk about work.
But as far as the anonymity being here provides me, I haven't been able to decide whether I absolutely like it or not. I don't dislike it. But for some times..

Sometimes I wish I could hear my favorite song being played inside shops or you know how that right song, coming from the neighbors' windows can cheer you up unexpectedly. When I hear a familiar language (Hindi or Bengali) being spoken somewhere around me, my ears sort of get entrained towards it and I strain to catch a few words. This, when I used to block out all conversations, including the ones I was supposed to be involved in.

I still have some time to decide what I want for a future (since I haven't decided yet it must mean I have time). And that would include in which continent, should I get the luxury to get picky, I would like to live for the next ten years or for the rest of my life. The longing to belong somewhere or to be where you belong is, surprisingly, overpowering my focus on science. I hadn't anticipated that. I have always been able to put work before everything (even then, the status of my PhD is laughable) and technically the genetic system that I want to work in, is nearly impossible to maintain and run in India, we are still more than a decade behind and will probably continue to lag for some time. I would like to think that I could actually take that a step ahead. But I am not very confident of being able to be that "leader". My one hope is to get that confidence and then it would be a straightforward choice. I may not actually miss the convenience of getting everything I need in a day, and OMG if its really late and too expensive it will have to be six weeks. Compare that to the once in a couple of years that we used to order from Sigma, from literally the richest lab of the time, at IISc, Bangalore. We will have to see. Maybe I will be a scientific writer and get to bring minds together and connect things, which by far interests me more than even complex genetic diseases. That would be ideal, who wants to run a lab?

All these disjointed thoughts and I know it is about something that's missing.. I think I was better without these thoughts, then I could focus on the work at hand and take it a step at a time. Not worry about things way beyond my control. Where did this confusion come from? I want it to go.. find someone else. I was much better without it.

Thanks

Thank you people for your sincere concern .. And to others who read the post and got to know him a little.

For Divesh Thimmaiya, till we meet again..

I never thought I would start a blog, though writing is something I have even considered to take up as a profession. But there is nowhere else I can tell people about the friend I lost this saturday. The friend I had not even seen in 4 yrs but it feels like just yesterday he was grinning at me from the side of the street and saying "I like it... (pause) I like it". Someone who could make even the grouchiest person (that would be me) smile at any time of the day or night. I want to know what he had been planning , because he always had plans, on friday , or last week or last month. Not just plans that people make and never carry out, he made plans that he would make work. I want to know what were the things that had made him smile recently, because , as I told him frequently, his was one winning smile. And those eyes, I will never forget them. They were one of the brightest I have ever seen. Moreover, I want to know what he wants me to do now. I don't want to forget anything he ever said to me. And that is not a problem, I have an excellent memory ( which is why I am grouchy) but at least this time, it will serve a good purpose. I remember he said that honesty is overrated, noone can be honest all the time, lies save people, there are things you should be able to lie about , it is integrity that is important. He must have been 23 when he said that and I have never had anyone say something that profound. He had a big heart that could hold hundreds of people in it and still remember all their names and interests. When he walked into a room, people turned to look. He worked hard and partied harder. He was opinionated and didn't pull the punches, if thats what he thought was needed.
The last time I talked to him I was complaining about how I had no results and he had said that " Bada kaam kar raha hain bachcha, time to lagega" . I don't think I am doing anything big, but that sure made me feel a hundred times better and all important all of a sudden.
I wish I had called him, but my preoccupations seemed so important at the time and the fact that I knew he had many many friends and wasn't exactly waiting by the phone for my call, had me delay that indefinitely. What I hadn't realized was, that I needed to talk to him, I needed him to bring back clarity of thought using his unmatched sense of humor. I needed him. I still do. And he is gone. The one guy I knew who could actually bring change ( ask anyone at IISc, who was there before he came and since..) is gone. I was one of the privileged people who knew him. And God knows that if he hadn't been such an incorrigible flirt I wouldn't have known him at all. Thank God he drove his bike at my pace beside me around the M - Block hostel till I got on it finally. His "Oye Soniye!!!" which he used on as many females as he knew, I think, could still flatter all of them . I apparently blushed. Thats something, I never blush and to this day I would contest his observation. Maybe not.

I never knew anyone from his family, but I want them to know that not only did their son live life to the fullest making each day count, he left a mark on everyone whose life he touched. I didn't even know him for more than 6 - 8 months before I left IISc, and then India. But distances didn't matter with him. I always imagined him busy doing something interesting or annoying. And in my dreams he will continue to do that always. And till we meet again, I will live like he would have, or at least try to. But Divesh, you nut, wait till I get my hands on you ... Just you wait.

Ishita